November 4, 2008

It’s the end of an error and the beginning of change. Say hello to the players who will determine the future of our country. On the conservative side we have the senile Mavericks, Sarah Palin and John McCain. Opposing the red team in a cloak of blue delusions come Barack Obama and Joe Biden.

The real interest this year does not lay in the potential leaders themselves, but the people who cling to their every action. The Johnson Center or JC as it is commonly known is a melting pot of cultures, people and idiosyncrasies. It is a place with green pride and golden opportunities to watch people make asses out of themselves. It is also the scene for where I make fascinating observations about my fellow Americans.

She wore a shade of red and had a shape that was most familiar. When I recalled the information in my mental database, I found a match. She was just a big as the growth on McCain’s face and was just as red as the Kool-aid man. She scowled around the JC like Dick Cheney and I’m sure she was looking to eat someone’s soul.

My hypnotic fascination of the Kool-Aid girl was broken when I heard a series of clapping. Everyone was so happy when the actors in our play won a state and as I think about the tradition of voting I see Fall Out Boy. I bestowed him this name not because of his looks, but because of his actions. As Iowa falls for Obama our next contestant falls for the stairs.  

He falls I watch, I write and I laugh. As I jot down my notes, drink my green tea and be pretentious I think about the election the primaries and the endless possibilities for our country due to this years campaign theme.

Lets “change” the Whitehouse, because our candidates can bring us the change we need. So, in the spirit of patriotism I decided I too should apply this word to help my fellow humans. Kool-aid girl, here is the change you need, we don’t offset red with more red, so change your sense in style, and its not flattering to have Dick Cheney’s mouth. Looking like you want to eat babies isn’t a way to make friends.

Fall Out Boy the change you need is, if you can’t clap and walk at the same time please just walk, I don’t want the Fairfax County ambulances to cause traffic when I’m trying to leave. Why should I have to be inconvenienced because you can’t perform two functions at once?

So as I walk towards my car and smoke my cigarette I can’t help but think that I’m red with frustration blue because people are stupid and white because I’m pale. See I can point the finger at myself too!

October 29, 2008

Jobs are some of the best places to people watch and build friendships around it. Depending on where people work, I’m sure they are introduced to a variety of personalities and body types.

 In my life, It all goes back to coffee; coffee, gossip, and people watching go together like beer, cigarettes and making an ass out of yourself.  Coffee, gossip, and people watching are fun when you are drinking coffee, but vital to one’s survival when you work at a coffee shop.

She walked in leaving her footprints in solid pavement and walked out leaving everyone with a great example of the irony of certain orders. Her eyes looked like she had just come down from a weeklong high from cocaine, and her mouth looked like a stroke victim. She ordered a large sugar free vanilla heavy whipping cream latte. I give the call and repeat the drink but substitute the sugar free part with regular vanilla. The girl at the bar steams the fat and the odor of burnt lard fills the room. The drink is handed off and the madness begins. Stroke face rambles about the drink and begins to harass us all for giving her regular vanilla instead of sugar free. Recognize a problem with this scenario?

First of all does the sugar part really matter when your drink has more calories than two big macs? I know you might be trying to watch your weight, but from the look of your ass I think that’s an already lost battle. Your drink makes just as much sense as getting a large diet coke after brutally consuming a weeks worth of cheeseburgers. A large diet drink will not prevent you from getting a lard filled ass.

As she walked away and her ass jiggled like Santa’s belly, the girl next to me said “Thank god I gave her decaf, and not to mention her milk is 220 degree’s… I hope she chokes.” The majority of people suck and if you learned anything from this decaffeinated experience its don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

October 22,2008

Have you ever noticed that Starbucks is its own culture? Seriously sit by and watch the people that enter the building. 

Starbucks attracts many different kinds of people that stand in line with their nose in the air and a stick in their ass. The only explanation for such barbaric behavior is an inferiority complex that stems from being miserable in their current day lives.

Take the horribly disfigured Marry Poppins for example; she walked into the store with a horrible pink shirt, and some khaki shorts that made her legs look like cottage cheese. Does that sound gross? Just thank God you didn’t see it in person, I had to hold back the vomit in my throat. Her voice was just as worse, it sounded like a cross between a cat being raped by a horse and an American trying to force a British accent.

Marry was probably one of the meanest customers that I have ever seen. She verbally attacked the girl at the counter and said she should fix that look on her face. I find two problems with this request, one the girl can’t help it she’s ugly and two Miss Poppins should remove the mole that holds up her glasses before she makes comments about people’s faces.

The next man seemed innocent enough, but as I watch the counter, I can’t help but notice he walked like a cross between Cro-Magnon man and a T-Rex.  The man has a huge forehead and begins to complain about the coffee that Starbucks has been selling for I don’t know THE PAST THREE MONTHS! After watching this man I can’t help but think my views on euthanasia have changed, people like him need to be treated like a horse, taken out back and put out of their misery.

In regards to Poppins and Cro-Magnon, I’m not judging, I’m just watching. I’m starting to wonder whether or not People watching should be treated like a social science; After all we observe and make conclusions too.

October 15, 2008

Dear Diary,

When people walk by, you either learn or make assumptions like “Why did she wear that, or that ain’t no apple bottom, that’s a fat ass.”  Essentially the human race is the same we look, we analyze, and we judge.

People often look down on others who judge; they consider it putting others down in order to make ones self look better. This rule however doesn’t apply to the hobby of people watching. People watching is an acceptable and somewhat expected tradition of passing judgment to point out the flaws in other people.

How do we people watch? Its simple, you watch as others walk by and take notice about the quirks that make them “unique.”

Like right now I am sitting on a bench outside of Robinson Hall, listening to two human beings display themselves as idiots. We are not in the h double o d hood, so stop acting like you have some sort of “Street Cred.”  Obviously you got into college for one of two reasons: One being you are a reasonably intelligent human being, or two your parents had to bribe some one to let your stupid ass in here. Seriously its time to grow up, you have your whole future ahead of you, there is no reason why you should throw that away for some aspirations of being a rapper or some “bad ass hood rat.”

After the two eight mile wannabes finish their cigarettes I move onto analyzing the next walker. She looks like the crypt keeper with brand name sunglasses and jeans that aren’t even flattering towards her ass, yes ladies and gentlemen this is the next woman that I will make assumptions about.

 She keeps walking and looking around seeing if people are going to notice her. I’m wondering if she is self-conscious, or she is hoping that people will watch her and aspire to be like her. Do I see plastic surgery for her in her future? Yes, because I think that she is essentially more concerned with her outward appearances more so than what actually makes her happy.

These are just two examples of the best hobby in the world, people watching. People watching is easy, fun, and the cheapest form of entertainment, hey with the economy this bad, it’s kind of nice to have fun for free.